Silly Scenes Supervising Silly Sayings
by VampireApple
Summary: "Wizards make glue." "Harry, why are you sending love letters to Voldemort?" "James, explain why my son is covered in chocolate syrup." "Do not make me break out my flying monkeys!" "Why does that idiot get a harem?"
1. Minions

I might write more. This was pretty fun, and I'm rather proud of myself. There are a lot of scenes with Harry and Hermione, and that's because I'm a die hard HHR fan, but there's no romance in this.

Disclaimer: I don't' own Harry Potter

###

"Hermione, do you remember in muggle school when everyone wanted to know why glue wouldn't stick to the inside of the bottle?"

"Not really, Harry. I-"

"I've thought a lot about it, and I think I've finally figured out the answer."

"You know what chemicals are used-"

"Magic. The answer is magic. Wizards make glue."

"… Yes Harry. They do. I'm leaving now."

###

Lily loved her husband. She really did. However, sometimes he could be a bit much. And when Sirius was over…

And there were times when magic just wasn't enough. Physical exertion worked wonders for her mood.

So when the 'men' had decided to play Frisbee with her good plates… Well, she just had to put a stop to that. So she tackled them to the ground, and proceed to beat them. When she was done they looked like two mummies stuck together. But it was quiet.

"Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver."

###

Hermione heard a sneeze and automatically said "Bless you."

"What the hell, Granger?"

She turned around to see Malfoy behind her. "It was out of habit. A muggle thing."

He looked intrigued despite himself. "Why on earth would they do such an asinine thing?"

Hermione could never resist giving out information. "It was commonly thought that demons tried to enter the body when a person sneezed. The saying 'bless you' was used so that demons couldn't enter the body. Or that when you leaved your soul tried to leave your body, and saying 'bless you' kept it inside you."

"… You took my soul and put a demon inside me?"

"No… I told you, I simply-"

"You're the next Voldemort!"

-several days later-

"So Hermione, I can't help but notice that you have a horde of Slytherins following you around."

"Yes Harry. I had noticed that as well."

"Why?"

"They are convinced that I will be the next ruler of the world. That my getting sorted into Griffendor was a brilliant plan to hide while I amass followers. That I can put demons into people without a spell. That I can steal souls."

"… Why?"

"I have no idea. But I won't complain. I have minions now."

###

"Hey, Hermione, you know the old saying 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away?'"

"Yes, I am aware of that old saying Harry."

"Well, I'm going to eat two apples a day and the next time the fit hits the shan, I'll be completely protected!"

"… Good luck with that Harry."

-after a mess that Harry usually finds himself in-

"Hermione! Madam Pomfrey said there's nothing wrong with me. All thanks to the power of apples!"

"I don't believe it."

"Believe it baby!"

###

"Girls are so complicated," Ron complained. "No one will ever understand them. Especially Lovegood. She's nutty."

Lavender rolled her eyes. "Siriusly. How hard is it to tell us we're pretty and give us chocolate?"

Ron snorted. "Like that would work."

They watched as Neville walked over to Luna carrying a package. "Hello beautiful. Would you please accept this box of chocolate?"

"Why of course."

The two walked off, arm in arm.

Lavender glared at Ron. "I told you so."

###

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic. Words to live by.

Unfortunately for the medical world at large, the Weasley twins are willing to explain a lot in the name of pranks and experiments.

Pomfry has long since stopped asking non-medically relevant questions.

Such as why the twins were fused together with chipmunk heads growing out of their noses. Or why their spines had traded places with their legs. Or why… actually, she didn't even want to think about that time.

###

Sirius and James sat side by side, drinking a nicely aged whiskey.

"You know James, when I die and meet God, I'm afraid he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say."

"Huh. That could be awkward. But, I think we're already dead."

… Huh. That explains a few things."

"And I think that's God right over there."

"God looks a lot like Morgan Freeman."

"He does. Maybe we should ask him for an autograph."

"As soon as we finish this case."

"Brilliant."

###

Hermione found Harry alone in the library with a stack of letters beside him.

"Harry, who are you writing to?"

"Voldemort."

"Are those… love letters?"

"Yup."

"Harry, why are you sending love letters to Voldemort?"

"Well, Dumbledore says love is really powerful, and there's the saying 'love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy' so I'm hoping if I send enough he'll just die."

"… I wish you luck with that. I'm going to research fighting spells."

"Go ahead. But I bet you wont need them!"

-Five minutes later-

"The terror of You-Know-Who is over!"

"Damn it Harry."


	2. Apples

Okay, I wasn't going to write any more… but I did. This is the last batch. I think. Maybe. I'll see. Funny note, for the last one I kept typing stupid instead of student…

As suggested by I am expanding a scene in the last chapter. Its called Soul Stealing Sneezes. Please check it out.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

###

"Hey, Dean, can I have a piece of gum?"

"Sorry Thomas, that was my last one."

"I don't believe you!"

"Excuse me?"

"That's the biggest lie in America. 'Sorry, that was my last piece of gum.' And I thought we were friends!"

"... We're in the UK."

"So!"

"Okay, I'm leaving now."

###

It wasn't often Ron read anything, including his schoolbooks. So the fact that he was reading a muggle newspaper made the world pause for a minute and the devil shiver.

"Hey, Hermione, what are drugs?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I saw the word in this muggle paper. The pictures don't move, so I think its broken..."

Hermione pinched herself. "Huh. I'm not dreaming." She peered at the paper Ron was holding. "According to Webster's Dictionary the definition of a drug is something, often an illegal substance, that causes addiction, habituation, or a marked change in consciousness."

Harry entered the room. "I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose."

Then he left. Hermione and Ron stared after him. 

###

The Marauders had several secret shibboleths, such as 'BFs for Life!' or 'Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!' or 'shop til you drop' or 'Stop! Hammer time."

One of their more… interesting ones was 'if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.'

Their chosen method of destruction was fire, and the ashes mysteriously appeared in the Slytherin toilets, backing them up horribly.

One memorable, unsuccessful prank (which included boggart, a host of Ed Woof movies, spoiled chocolate and an unholy amount of toenail clippings) completely torched three floors of Hogwarts.

They bragged about this, figuring that even if the prank hadn't worked, something impressive had happened.

It was the final battle, good verses evil. The light on one side, dark on the other.

"Wands at the ready!" Dumbledore called out.

"Prepare to kill!" Voldemort yelled.

"Fire at Will!" the two leaders yelled at once.

Both sides froze and looked at each other in confusion.

"Who's Will?" James asked Sirius. Lily face-palmed.

One Death Eater slowly backed away from the group while Headmaster and Evil Over Lord glared at their minions, er, followers.

"What are you waiting for! Fire at Will! I mean him!"

Much chaos followed.

###

Harry ran around the battlefield with Hermione fighting off Death eaters. He saw one that had done the unforgivable crime of burning down Harry's favorite ice cream shop. "Its Will! Fire at Will!"

The Death Eater, minus mask, turned around.

"Oh, wait, wait, its Bob. Fire at Bob!"

Hermione cast a spell that stunned and/or killed Bob. "What did Bob do, Harry?"

"He kicked puppies." 

"That's worse then what Matt did! He blew up squirrels."

"James, kindly explain to me why my son is covered in chocolate syrup, Pixie Sticks dust, marshmallow fluff and cake batter."

"Well, Sirius and I were really hungry."

"Continue." 

"... So we found this awesome prank book and we thought Harry would like to play too."

"And?"

"So Remus likes chocolate stuff, and..."

"... James. What happened?"

"For goodness sake, let's not confuse ourselves with the facts."

"I'm going to kill you. And you're sleeping on the couch for a month,"

### 

Hermione was in the library with her two best friends, trying to get Ron to study.

"But Hermione, I can just copy yours."

"Ronald Bilius Weasley, do not make me break out my flying monkeys!"

"Ron," Harry hissed "Shut up!"

"Flying monkeys? That's so stupid and-"

-Several hours later-

"Hey, Harry, have you seen Ron?"

"Don't ever say that name again if you know what's good for you Dean."

"… Why?"

"The monkeys will get you."

"O-kay…"

-several years later-

Ron reappeared at Hogwarts, badly scaring several young Ravenclaws. He kept muttering about midgets, yellow bricks and winged monkeys.

###

Hermione was happily sitting in the library rememorizing Hogwarts: A History. She'd realized that she'd forgotten the word 'and' in chapter fifty-six, paragraph three thousand, eight hundred, forty-nine, line eighty-three so she was making sure another mistake wouldn't be made.

"Hermione?"

Sigh. "What is it this time Harry?"

"After my success with apples making me invincible-"

Hermione twitched and ignored the word apple.

"-I've decided I'm going to live forever, or die trying."

"… You plan to do this how?"

"Eat nothing but apples, or apple products. Apple pie, apple butter, apple sauce, apple juice, apple cider, apple fritters, apple bread, apple crisps, apple pandowdy, caramel apples, apple crumble pie –which is really totally different from apple pie-, apple enchiladas, apple upside down cake, apple turnover, apple strudel and so on."

"Harry, next time you have an idea, think really, really, _really_ hard about weather or not I'd what to hear about that idea. Then don't tell me. Ever. Again."

"Thanks Hermione! I knew you'd be supportive!"

Harry left.

"And to think, I wanted friends. Should have counted my blessing and became a hermit…"

###

It is commonly known that there is a lot of danger and doubt at Hogwarts so the unofficial saying of the school is 'when in danger or doubt run in circles, scream and shout.'

Then Harry Potter came.

He ruined the motto.

The troll in his first year wasn't anything special, there'd been several in the years before. The students dutifully ran around screaming and waving their arms until the threat passed.

The basilisk was a bit of a stretch. Students got a little tired from all the exercise, but figured it was good practice. They were, however, relived when it died.

The year after that… dementors, werewolves and a murderous mad man… by the end of the year only the most dedicated were holding true to the school motto.

His fourth year… dragons, mermaids, and mazes that sucked student's souls out. Even the most high-strung just shook their head in defeat for the third task.

After that everyone just gave up. In hindsight, this was a good thing. Several students surely would have died from doubting Umbridge's teaching method. And all that pink… plus the several students who got eaten from the twin's swamp.

In the years after that, no one really blinked, unless a lot of blood was involved.

Harry Potter changed many things in his years at Hogwarts. The most profound was helping with the new motto, a sort of been there, done that, got the t-shirt sort of thing.

'I've been eaten, maimed and lost my soul, no big deal, so bring it on.'


	3. Mirror

I enjoyed writing this chapter, really I did. –laugh- And, so you know, I don't really hate Draco. Too much. In some fanfics, maybe he's okay…

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

###

Lily rubbed her forehead as she surveyed the destruction of her house. The emergency crews, both muggle and magical, had left. All that was left was the after mass. The fire had been put out. The silly string still hung around like a garish spider web. There was some glowing substance she was vainly hoping was glow paint. The couch was back to being a couch, and not a furry monster with teeth. The toilet was no longer shouting profanity, but it was still trying to eat people. Most of the ghosts were gone…

There was more, such as the fact that her son had been running around screaming with joy, naked, pained like a Hindu god. Or that her husband was dressed in an adult diaper. And that Black was trying to convincer her to let his penguin pals live in her nonexistent basement. But that saddest, by far was Remus Lupin.

He was wearing lady's lingerie, red and black. Lily was pretty sure there was a frog in his hair. He was on her kitchen counter, on his back, with his head in her sink.

"I really expect better of you."

"…"

"You don't let it get this far."

"…"

"Or you just clean up the evidence."

"…"

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"… It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Lily twitched and drew her wand.

###

Fred Weasly, by himself, walked into the Hufflepuff common. He looked like he could have been the fourth musketeer. Everyone in the room stared at him, and he stared back, looking for someone. His eyes lit up when he saw that person. He walked up to Cedric, took off both gloves and slapped the other boy on the cheek.

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die."

Fred departed from the room.

The occupants looked at poor Cedric.

"What the hell?"

###

In the Gryffindor common room Neville stared at George. The redhead had a full length mirror next to him, and was talking in a confusing manner.

"So George and" pause "bee in his" pause "ate it without" pause "boy, did it" pause "his mouth!"

"George? What are you doing?"

"I'm not George," George said "I'm Fred. This is George." He pointed to the mirror next to him.

Neville looked at Oliver.

The Captain didn't even look up from his homework. "Fred wondered off about five minutes ago. George cracked, and pulled out that mirror. He's convinced his reflection is his twin. The pauses are so 'Fred' can speak."

"Oh." The boy turned back to half-twin and mirror to listen to half of a conversation that might have been funny.

###

McGonagall walked up to Dumbledore. "Headmaster, I was just wondering, for tax purposes, how old are you?"

"Tax purposes?"

"Yes. Its rather complicated. Please answer the question."

"I am five."

"Five… hundred?"

"No." 

"Five… thousand?"

"No."

"Five… million?"

"No. Just five."

"As in… one, two, three, four, five?"

"Yes."

"…"

"Always remember, you're only as old as you remember."

###

There wasn't a meal that Pomona Sprout enjoyed more then fish, with a side garden salad, of course. It didn't matter the kind of fish, any sort would do. There was a particular Hogwarts house elf, Floopy, that made the best salmon ever.

At least once a week Pomona would enjoy eating fish. Until a certain senile headmaster hired a nutty professor.

Three days after this professor had been hired fish was served for dinner. Pomona's fork was just an inch away from her mouth with a horrified, wailing scream filled the great hall. The poor Hufflepuff head of house dropped her fork.

Sybil Trelawney jumped up on the professor's table and screamed "Fish are Friends! NOT Fooooooooood!"

Fish was no longer served at Hogwarts. And if the plants that Trelawney was allergic to kept showing up in her bed… well, no one would look at cheerful, innocent Professor Sprout.

###

"I just don't get it," Draco said one day.

"Get what?" Pansy asked without looking up from her book.

"Why so many girl hang out around Longbottom."

"Oh, that's because they're in his harem."

Draco stared. "What?"

Pansy rolled her eyes at him. "He has about twenty-five girls in it."

"Why the hell does that idiot get a harem?"

Pansy signed and closed her book. "He's not the only one. Cedric Diggory has one-"

"Didn't he die?"

"No," Pansy said with exaggerated patience "That was just a cover up by the Ministry to try and discredit Potter. As if his thirty some harem girls would let him die." She snorted.

Draco didn't know how to react.

"Anyways, The Weasly twins have quiet a number-"

"Wait, they each have their own harem?" Draco demanded.

"No. The have their own harem."

"So, they share-"

"No, they have a fifty-five member harem."

Draco let the subject drop.

"Potter has eighty something-"

"What about the Slytherin or Ravenclaws?" Draco burst out.

Pansy glared. "Blaise Zabini had around forty girls, and the Ravenclaws prudes. There's one Hufflepuff who claims to have a harem of about five guys, but everyone knows he really just has an open relationship..."

Draco did some quick math "Wait a minute, there aren't that many girls in Hogwarts!"

"That's because some girls are in multiple harems. Lovegood is in all five, but I think she's the only one."

"How do I get one?" Draco demanded.

Pansy laughed. "Oh, I'm sorry. You were siruis? Well… see, um, there really aren't many girls who want to be in your harem."

Draco looked crestfallen.

"Don't worry." Pansy patted him on the back. "I'm sure you'll find some foreign girl to marry you." she picked up her book and left.

Draco looked around the empty room. "Draco unloved…"

###

Neville was on a quest to know which flower girls liked the most.

"Hey, Susan? What's you're favorite flower?"

"Chocolate."

Neville had never heard of the chocolate flower, but surely that wasn't a very popular choice.

"Hello Hannah. What is your favorite flower?"

"Chocolate."

Surprised Neville moved on. "Daphne, what is your favorite flower?"

"Chocolate."

"Pansy, favorite flower?"

"Chocolate."

"Angeline, favorite flower?"

"Chocolate."

"Katie? Flower?"

"Chocolate."

Poor Neville was bewildered, He'd never head of the chocolate flower before. Did he really know so little about plants? "I don't understand!" He wailed.

"Understand what?" Luna asked.

Neville jumped. "What every time I ask what a girl's favorite is, thy say chocolate. I don't know what the chocolate flower is."

Luna giggled. "Silly boy, don't you know?"

"I guess not…"

"Chocolate is the answer no matter what the question is." Luna skipped off.

Neville face palmed.

###

"You'd think that killing people would get you friends, but really it just gets people dead."

Everyone in the Ravenclaw common room stared at Luna.

"Is she really going to kill someone?" a first year asked.

"I wouldn't put it past her. She has friends in high places," another replied.

"Yeah. With the Gryffindor," a third said.

Luna smiled and unwrapped a lollypop to suck on.


End file.
